How to get rid of dates

Eighteen ways to get rid of dates (and other social catastrophes)

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

7. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

8. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

9. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

10. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

11. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.

12. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

13. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

14. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

15. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

16. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

17. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

18. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

Last modified November 23, 2001
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